change

I fully intended to embrace change this year, knowing that endings only bring new beginnings.

But change is hard. Letting go is easier for some people than others but for everyone requires a certain amount of courage and boldness and acceptance.

I am enjoying the last little bit of sunshine on what has been a lazy but lovely Saturday in my part of the world.

This has followed a pretty satisfying week. Two weeks into my very final semester of my journalism studying. In eleven weeks I will no longer be a student. I am feeling a little nostalgic about it.

I went to my first lectures and classes back last week after six weeks break and was very aware that they were the first of my 'lasts'. Last semester, last subjects in this degree, last first week back - with the new timetables, tute groups, new/fresh notebooks (all the fun, geeky stuff!).

I am so incredibly glad that I am present in these moments. I am going to milk every last bit of nostalgia and enjoyment (that I have been sadly lacking in for the last couple of semesters of study unfortunately!) out of these final eleven weeks at uni.

I hate having to do this when you are just here visiting my writings and hopefully enjoying your lovely self but I have something a bit crap to tell you: ze boy and I broke up (awkward, I know, what do you write in the comments?! Open pity is fine but please don't use the phrase 'left on the shelf' and if you have any single man friends..I'm not quite ready but give me time!)

It doesn't make it any less crap but it was mutual. It was something that we both felt was right for us at the time we made the decision and I still feel that, for me, this is how it has to be for now. Is that a little bit selfish? Yes and I am ok with that.

I don't feel like it is the end of our story though. The way I feel about him hasn't changed. I will talk around this and about this more in future posts I am sure because it has been a significant factor in my thinkings of late.

We said when we started our relationship that we would always try to have a positive effect on eachother's lives and I really feel like we've done that. And I hope we continue to. In whatever capacity that may be.

It hasn't been all calm acceptance and maturity, I have moments that are sad, angry etc. but overall I am just fine.

For now I am enjoying playing in cardboard boxes with my six year old brother, watching season three of Mad Men, drinking cups of tea and reading my long neglected collection of second hand book purchases.

I am enjoying dreaming about being a career gal (a la Peggy Olson!), about holding my fresh and shiny new passport in my hand and then about making said passport less fresh and shiny.

I'm thinking Vietnam....

catching up...

I have been home from my trip to see ze boy (!) for a few days now and still adjusting. It is a bit of a mental feat to firstly get used to being with him rather than just interacting with a disembodied voice! And then just ten days later (which seems simultaneously like a much longer and shorter period) to get used to not being with him all over again.

We went into the long-distance thing fully aware of how difficult it would be but the little nuances of it could, of course, only be learnt by getting down and dirty and experiencing it for ourselves *sigh*.

But, oh my golly gosh, how it is worth it.

We were lucky enough to get away to a little beachside town where ze boy (who has yet to receive a proper moniker on this here blog I know...) had managed to book us four freaking fabulous nights in his family's beachhouse. It is creeping towards winter here and so our little sojourn at the beach involved scarves, socks, snuggling under quilts and blankets and other keeping eachother warm things. Heavenly. We luckily share the view that this is the best way to experience the beach!



We also dipped our toes into the reality pool and had a few days staying at his little house, doing some of our own things (including Mrs T and I doing a ten-store-in-one-day op shopping extravaganza!), shopping at Ikea (couple cliche lameness ha ha)and..meeting some of his family.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I've only known him for not quite five months. We have fitted a lot into that time. We have both come a long way emotionally I think. And spending time together in a real way makes us realise we have further to go.

I'm very much enjoying the journey.

The Boy

I forgot to tell you that I am going to see him in a couple of weeks.

I will be flying to him on a big jet plane.

We have learnt that three months is simply too long to not be able to see and touch and physically be with eachother.

Phone calls are nice (especially when they last for four hours and even then you can't stand hanging up).

Text messages telling me how much he adores me are wonderful (I am almost to the point of being completely used to having somebody be so lovely to me).

But to simply be in the same room as him..I ache for that.

He makes me feel incredibly lucky.

Slack slack slackety slack

I had every intention of posting EVERY day but look where I am already. It has been more than a week since my last (and only my first ha!) post. Dismal effort by me!

I have no excuses because I have been on lecture recess for the entire week. I stand before you (when I say stand I mean sit, at my desk) and vow (when I say vow I mean type, on my keyboard) to post every day (when I say every day I mean less sporadically).

More seriously, part of my aim of the blog is to find my writing voice or to develop and strengthen it. I think that writing with a certain air of abandon will help with this because I will have less time for self-consciousness.

Aim stated. Now...GO.

Yesterday I went to the movies with my lovely uni friend, Grier. You can visit her place and find out how lovely and enthusiastic and talented she is for yourselves. I have no intention of monopolizing her.

After the movie Grier and I had a rather wide-ranging and interesting conversation. We covered the usual uni-related stuff but we also delved into family, religion, future career and life aspirations, potential children's names..all in the space of about 2 hours.

Unlike me, Grier is studying journalism because she wants to BE a journalist..how weird is that?! I have little doubt she will be a raging success.

She is fantastic at engaging with people when she speaks to them. There is nothing fake about her, from her interest in other people to her enthusiasm and integrity. I think that makes people trust her and feel comfortable with her. You get a real sense of her no-bullshit nature when you speak to her and it can be quite disarming but makes her very easy to talk to, perhaps even share secrets with (look out future interviewees of Grier!).

This isn't an ode to Grier..well it wasn't supposed to be! In talking to her I find that, on one level, it is really easy to forget that she is only 19 years old because of her maturity. Our connection and not our age is what matters. And then, on another level, I might calculate that she was born in 1990 (!) and I will be blown away by the fact that I am ten years older than her. TEN years. And yet here we are in quite similar places in our lives in some significant ways.

Both beginning to contemplate life beyond uni, her single, me only very recently not.

What the hell did I do with that ten years?!

Was it a complete waste?

I do have moments when I think it was. But I know that is not true because I would not be the person I am today without the passing of every single one of those days. Probably most particularly the really shitty ones.

Yes, in that ten years I had life experiences. But doesn't that just translate as a failed attempt at a nursing degree, a failed relationship and moving back in with my parents with my tail between my legs (as well as many many hazy memories of episodes of drunkeness and other self-destructive behaviour)?

Twenties = Failure?



In certain terms yes, failure has been a running theme of my twenties. But then how do you define failure? If you learn a lesson from something then, no matter how disastrous or miserable or ugly, doesn't that experience have value?

I very much hope, and on my good days do think, that learning has also been a running theme of my twenties.

The person I was when I was Grier's age - oh I wish I had been as together as she is but alas, I was not! - is vastly different to the person I am now, at 29. Thank golly gosh and goodness! I would not be her again for anything. And I speak about nineteen year old me as if that wasn't actually me because that's how different I feel I am now.

Everyones journey is different and that is ok. Simply learning that lesson from the last ten years has been valuable. And while time is linear, the individual life experiences of people is not. Life would be a very shallow and sparse thing if it was simply measured by the line of its passing from birth to death.

What gives it meaning and richness and beauty is the ugly, the meaty, the wonderful experiences we adorn the lines of our time with.

first post/twenty ninth birthday

I turn 29 today.

No, that's ok you don't have to sing, I'll get embarrassed. But yeah sure, bake me a chocolate cake if you like...

This is the first day of the last year of my twenties.

I have no issue with turning 30. That is not what these here ramblings are going to be about. I won't be counting down until my life is over. I am looking at 30 as a beginning.

I am in my final year of a three year journalism degree which i have dragged out for four. Once i'm finished i hope to move away from the town in which i'm currently living..probably across the country..to find a job that will hopefully mean being more than a wage slave.

In 365 days my life will look vastly different. I'm excited about that. A little apprehensive as well.

I hope that writing about this year will help keep me motivated and inspired to seek change and growth and be brave about it.

This year will also be about the beginning of something that fills me with hope. I was single for ages (more about that later I think) and then I met someone at the end of last year. At my best friend's wedding. He was the best man, I was a bridesmaid..can you all say cliche!

You can read a little about it if you go visit my very best friend mrs t here. Things are going smashingly. I am still amazed by it. And by him. I apologise in advance because we are still at the sickeningly sweet stage..you have been warned.

I'm looking forward to talking to you interwebs.


Now, where's my cake?